thinking of....

how grateful i'm to have all my friends! :)

even though i knew some of them forgot, i didn't really mind. because it's the impending o's after all. exam stress is bound to get to the head. :) moreover, i did not give them any hint whatsoever. i'm so NOT egositic! hehe

well, this is mainly a reply to laura's wordy comment/ essay actually. (ps: I like this sentence, " The problem is, we are too vain to see ourselves living one life and dying one death, hence we turn to religion.")

But i also incorporated some of the ideas that sprouted from me after reading her immensely interesting and thougt-provoking entry...

(those in italics are her words)

On the point of your 'which came first? The chicken or the egg?'-esque query on whether the belief of God arose first, or the non-belief in God... Well, wouldn't the idea of God have to exist before it can be rejected?

Oh! My mistake! I phrased it wrongly.

I actually meant it as are we born with an inner knowledge and awareness of the presence of God or did we have to come under influences to conceive such an idea of ‘God’. Therefore the statement of whether God came first or non-God, rephrasing it would be was the idea of God natural occurring or was it human induced?

I disagree that worship was created by man. If there is a God, then worship would be how he/she dictated or passed instructions to his/her followers, from the birth of religion. Much like the Ten commandments?

Somehow I disagree. You see, the practice or process of worship does not have to be dictated by God. Technically, any practice or worship can be made up/ formed by humans. One simple example; how come religions have a common place of congregation. The mosque, the church, the temple, don’t you see a repetition of ideas, the concept of kneeling down to pray in almost every religion… you have the crucifix, you have the ‘hu sheng fu’ (literally: protection charm). You have the blessed food for Taoists and Buddhists and you have the holy water and bread for Catholics. All this examples are present. Of course, one might argue that it is that deemed as evidence that one God lives since all religions still have their common grounds and practices. But why not look at it in this manner, these similar practices are perpetuated in most religions in one way or another merely because humans are alike in some points or another despite different backgrounds. In order to support this point, I would like to state that drawings found on caves walls by primitives and the 'gods'/'symbols' primitives worshipped were similar, eg. the fire, the sun, things to do with nature. Even though these caves were scattered around places that were so far apart that it was inconceivable for the primitives to communicate, the drawings were similar in nature. Thus showing that human perspective and traits at the most basic level are the same.

Then if that's the case, why not religion?

The last thing I want to say on this subject is, I bet all of you realize that the basic principles governing any religion are around the same themes. Loving others, attaining internal peace, to commit no sin, to seek forgiveness and enlightenment… it goes on and on. Also you realize the concept revolves around how to be a good person, teaching us morals and nuggets of wisdom.

Now I ask you why?

After all what religion seems to promote is how to be a ‘good’ person in human context.

To give you an extreme example, if you were a child and you were not told that dying or killing was a bad thing and you witnessed someone getting shot, you would have probably flinched, but not the sight of death, but at the deafening sound emitted by the gunfire.

When we are born, I believe there is no innate concept of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, ‘good’ and ‘bad’ in us. Instead we are molded by our surroundings and their influence. Take the cannibals, to us they are uncivilized barbarians but to them it is perhaps survival and a natural way of life.

Talking about cannibals/aboriginals/natives, I would like to support my stand again by drawing attention to their practice of worshipping God (their God). They do tribal dances, hold festive ceremonies; this is widespread among these communities. Can you see the trend now? Religion/worship of a God really depends on where you are living, if you are in civilized surroundings, there will probably be a building for you to carry out your worship, a cell to carry out some study regarding the religion. However if you are in a jungle, somewhere in the outback, you dance, whoop and offer sacrifices to God. This difference the manner of worship is directly linked to physical surroundings, thus worship must be man-made.

Just a final query - Is God male or female? And why is God usually portrayed as male? A remnant of prehistoric chauvanism, foisted by males onto the concept of religion? Hmm... ;p

Correct me if I am wrong :)

But wasn’t women the more respected gender in the prehistoric times? After all they were regarded as the ‘bearer of life’ and literally the ‘mother of humanity’.

The gender of God? How about androgynous? :P


Just a query, do you notice the different Gods people worship?

There are countless ‘Gods’ around.

My thoughts: I think there is a God for everyone. After all, the concept of God is perceived differently by everyone so I still ‘God’ as an extension of our so-called ‘soul’.

thinking of....

my ic.. well you know i lost my wallet a few days ago. today (27/10/05) someone has sent it all the things in my wallet back! minus the money and the wallet itself...

nevertheless i am thankful!

today i shall not argue/rebut/refute. because it is ....

my birthday

and

i

am

so

jubilant

that

i

got

my

stuff

back!

ciao~

thinking of....

the great admiration i have for faithful believers and followers despite having to defend their faith from people like me :)

refuting some points...

Firstly, i didn't want to make it personal, in other words, i am not questioning christianity or any other religion, merely the existence of God and religion. This is due to the secular nature of our society and of course the newly added sedition law. but besides those points, i think ther must only be ONE God. Don't you agree? So I am only arguing on the basis of his/her existence... that's why my stream of thought lacked of biblical references or any particular mention of a specific religion...

secondly, like jia neither do i believe in evolution or all the scientific reasons given so far completely. they are intriguing and at times rather enlightening but as we know science is a burgeoning field, formulas are being made obsolette daily and new ones formed. there is no accurate and correct answer and there may never be. some answers may never be answered fully, there will always be loopholes found even if an answer supported with evidence is given.

but i just want to put across a question, if the existence of God is absolute, how come people, seemingly intelligent people are still questioning his existence? after all, there must be a basis for this too. If the concept of God came about, the concept of 'non-God' or an agnostic view must have stemmed from somewhere. the question is when? did it come before or after...

Another thing, Jia seems to think religion was created before man. well, i think to put it politically correct, God was not created by man. but religion, the worship of god was created by man, isn't that so?

Thirdly, the key: Is life meaningless?

Ask yourself this question.

Students, are the subjects you are doing now irrelevant to a better understanding of life, a better appreciation of life?

Adults, are the work you are doing reflects the whole purpose of your life, is it truly meaningful?

What is meaningful? to oneself? to one's society? to one's spiritual self? to one's 'God'?

As Jia said, "Tell me honestly, if life were meaningless, would there even be life?"

She adamantly states NO! But then again what is life, what is death? they are merely connotations given by human beings who have yet to find out more or perhaps complicate themselves more.

What makes you think that there wouldn't be life if it was without meaning? What gives you the idea that life must be with a meaning? why can't we just be organisms floating about, surviving, repeating the age-old vicious cycle of survival of the fittest? why must we have such a clearly defined purpose?

I completely agree with Jia's point on nothing seems to be eternal.

everything that begins, has an end.

then what makes you think that God is an eternal being? he could have started the universe but faded away later. what makes you so sure he/she/ they still exist and will continue to?

Then pray tell me, what's God's purpose? to create humanity and see us exterminate ourselves, let genocides happen, create more destructive technology, question his existence?

then who created God? who is behind our 'God'? is there another 'God'? is there an endless cycle? then what is his purpose?

is there even a purpose behind everything?

aren't we pawns then?

this thought has just occurred to me. could there be a possibility that we are symbiotic beings? we can't survive without a 'God', inner or outer. similarly, 'god' can't survive without our existence, our continual faith and belief in him/her/them.

I seem to be asking a whole lot of rhetoric questions in this post but i want to end with this statement:

"Humans are too young, too naive to perhaps comprehend everything or comprehend the nothingness of what seems like something. we lack of the necessary wisdom. yet with an inquiring and inquisitive mind, we are at least reassured that one day we may get somewhere closer to the mysteries of life... after all ignorance is bliss"

thinking of...

things.

well if you want to know something not so unexpected of me... i lost my wallet along with my ic, ez link, library cards(both my bro's and mine, which he is raising hell for) and money...

arghs! how could i be so careless!

my dad told me this is a lesson to learn from but a lesson 2 days before the o' level chemistry practical?!

thankfully, i still use my passport but then again what a bother!

okay let me drift into a stream of sub-consciousness, join me...

let's see is there a God?
No, i don't believe a God who is so unreasonable and structured, one that measures faith and loyalty in terms of worships and whatever else concocted.
But that's human perception of God, those are still ultimately 'rules' and structures invented by humans to 'complicate' God's existence. Don't you think so?
Actually you do have a point. I am not answering the question. i cannot judge the existence of God by human's portrayal of him. That's utterly absurd.
Now don't you think the concept of God must have originated from somewhere, after all you can't crave chocolate if you haven't tasted it. likewise, you wouldn't automatically pray to God if there wasn't this concept already ingrained into you from the very beginning.
No, the concept of God can be purely human's imagination and wild hope. after all you find many converts turning to God and actually believing only when they are really in dire need, or when they need miracles to happen. it's a blind faith, a blind hope, something to grasp on, to wish upon when they have nothing more left to save them. don't you see, they see as salvation.
But they do get help sometimes, don't they?
Ever heard of concidences?
Anyway after their 'catastrophes' they continue to trust in God and put their faith in him, don't they? Some of the cleverest people believe in God too. Some of the most logical ones and even some scientists.now how can you explain that?
Well, everyone has their highs and lows in life. so why not buy some insurance, just in case there is really a God. after all,the image of God seems to be one of a buoy in the stormy seas of harsh realities. God lends you identity and purpose and self confidence, the things some of us fail to find in our lives and can perhaps only express in the name of God. for these people, they finally have an identity, not one of their own though. but one as a group worshipping God. they might not have purpose in life, after all what's life after death, but what does human-perceived God and religion say? They say that there is life after death and everyone has a divine aim in life. of course, this statement renews hope. it tells me, it tells us that life is not meaningless, we do not just breathe, eat, defecate and die. rotting and decomposing to form fossil fuels in order to continue the cyclic flow of energy on our planet. it prevents some of us from commiting suicide. but can you see behind that facade? isn't it all just a conspiracy and a buff to reassure ourselves? isn't the manipulation of religion (eg. terrorists/israel-palestinian conflict) enough to tell you that only something that 'man-made' can be so easily manipulated? conflicts/wars have resulted due to a difference in ideologies (communism vs democracy) what makes you think that religion is also such a weapon, such a man-conceived notion?
i see.. but putting aside all this, do you believe, do you?
i think i do.. i think i do.. but perhaps it's the human weakling in me, being afraid of facing what's out there without the assurance of a 'backdoor' from suffering? But sometimes when i look at the skies, i can't help but imagine there's a God somewhere out there...maybe.. perhaps we are just pawns in his game...

try this yourself, it's kind of fun. but there's no need to choose such a controversial subject like religion.. :) though i would be ecstatic if jia could try it and reply to this post :)

thinking of....

the future. today i had a lengthy conversation with some friends regarding what careers we are aiming towards in the near future. only around 5 more years!

and i realised that i seem to be the only one without a real direction. you see, i love books/literature. i also enjoy mathematics most of the time. biology piques my interest especially the human body. i want to know more. i want to immerse myself in the thoughts and knowledge of philsophers-- the ideals of society, the essence of life...

so i have narrowed down these three careers. they sound extremely idealistic. :/

• Gynaecologists: I really like babies, but the idea of delivering babies, bringing life to 'life' is overwhelming too. my thinking= at least in this century, i can say gynaes will have the least chance of becoming dispensable and obsolette. after all giving birth is a delicate process and a risky one too despite the recent medical advances...

to get there, you need...

'A'-Level pass in Chemistry and either Biology or Physics

• Lawyer/Economics: the idea is you merge them together. add in the knowledge of chinese. TA-DA! you are in a potential position to make big bucks! :) but that's not what entices me. it's the challenge presented in the market. keeping up with trends, acting as a bridge between businnesses.

to get there you need...

Minimum grade of A in 'A'-Level Mathematics and grade B3 or better in General Paper (GP) or a minimum SAT I verbal score of 700 and a C6 in GP

• Public Prosecutor/lawyer: the thing is you get to talk a whole lot! i'm joking. but i really like the idea of being on your toes daily, battling with objections, deadlines and appeals. i know the legal profession tends to be glamourised. so if you want the real thrill go for litigation! it does not really matter which side i am on. the innocent or the gulity. you see the main thing is to ensure a fair trial! even the evillest of crooks deserve a hearing before they are sentenced. ever heard of two sides of the story?

to get there you need...

Grade B3 or better in General Paper (GP) or a minimum SAT I verbal score of 700 and a C6 in GP.

and before all the big hoo-ha, there is still the o' levels and the jc's application and subject combinations.

what do i do? any advice for me, people? humanities or science?

* all requirements were taken from NUS's Office of Admissions website.

http://www.nus.edu.sg/oam/apply/prerequisite.htm

thinking of...

fragmented glass houses
stilted on bamboo
shards of a broken society

to try to mend,
a futile attempt-
a ragged patchwork blanket
glares back!

cracks
can be glued together

hearts
can't heal

----

thinking of....

the last day of school which was yesterday..

just read jia's entry and i thought i'll share my feelings too.

truthfully, i didn't feel good at all. despite all the laughing and smiling and posing for pictures. i think i was kind of bordering ecstatic hysterics. some of my classmates remarked and even ms ho said that i wasn't myself.

it started all the way at 3.45am on my comfy matress. i suddenly woke up and stared at the ceiling, trying to recall my first day, my first moments in st margs. amazingly, they came back in a flash. i could remember my apprehensive self stepping into the canteen, overwhelmed by the noise. later, smiling tentatively in relief when i saw people i recognised...

during english (which was like 8am?), i couldn't keep still. jumpy and excited. i was singing a number of songs to meifung and rachel who were unfortunately beside me and had to put up with my hyper active self. then i calmed down for awhile but there were butterflies invading my stomach! i didn't know why, i guess it was nervousness, fear towards leaving st margs.

thankfully, after i had a bicker session with cynthia, things went back to normal.

the commendation was okay. the acapella group was great. the slideshow was nice but didn't evoke any tears or emotions. there were merely snapshots. lifeless representations of the joy we had in st margs. what was there to cry for?

throughout the day, i felt a widening crevasse at the bottom of my heart.

it was only when we did the school cheer at the very end, i was nearly moved to tears. somehow, i felt that it sealed the irrevocable end.

the cheer that once made me feel so much a part of st margs, so much proud to be from st margs.

yet then it signified closure to another passage of my life.

so i kept really quiet on the way out of chapel. it was as though there was now a black, looming chasm in my heart. it hurt. i didn't even dare talk because i didn't want to cry. i didn't and i still don't think tears will ever be able to symbolise the extent of my gratitude towards st margs. i was afraid of crying, perhaps afraid of confronting what i didn't want to confront.

i don't know whether anyone of you would understand that kind of feeling. i think i only felt it one other time--when mrs lee passed away.

people say i am blur. that's quite true, i am slow on uptake.

i am fearful. i am frightened. the reality is crashing down upon me. i don't know what the future holds for me.

the st margs' umbrella isn't there anymore.

"Today you are proud of St Margaret's and let St Margaret's be proud of you tomorrow"

thinking of....

Daddy's going to heaven

hey little girlie,
why are you sucking your thumb?
is it yummy and tasty
like seafood pasta?
is the bone, flesh, skin and cells
really that enticing?

OH! little girlie
please don't cry
I was only asking you
why?
How would you survive
in a world like mine?
where the terrorists bomb,
the tsunamis come,
when the stock market crashes
and you are left with none.

where people look down on you
when you can't afford loafers.
here am i stuffed in a
tight business suit
waiting for clients to give me
some food!

why are you looking at me
with those big round eyes?
please don't, I beg you.
They remind me of
her eyes.
My dead daughter's eyes-

I lost her to my bitchy
Ex-wife
who claimed custody when
Amy was only 5.
I lost her to college and boys
when she was 19.
Lost her to leukemia
when she was 25.

She was all I had
then i had none.

I'm a poor old man
with nothing to live for-

So let me be,
little girlie with big round eyes.
Give me a break.
Take this penny,
get some sweets.
Stop sucking your thumb,
it makes you look stupid.

Go girlie!
Go!
Leave me be.
Let me go,
So i can jump off somewhere high.
To end this life.

thinking of....

if you want a laugh visit loui's blog, i have already linked her :)

i feel not so accomplished today,

i setted out to finish all my work but i only ended up completing:

ss sbq
hist sbq
lit unseen poem

and i still have:

dunman high (bio)
may '05 o' level paper (bio)

and i still want to revise:

a maths
social studies
chem

arghs! the cycle is never ending...

thinking of....

the last week of school.

the last week i'll spend as a student in St Margaret's.

i know there is still the O's. But that is not counted because technically you have already stop lessons and all that bantering with your classmates and friends. As in it is the end of the normal school days.

I don't know how to describe how i feel. sadness? resignation? nostalgia?

but definitely not regret.

St Margs gave me the four years that Nanyang failed to give in their six.

I know this sounds as though i'm bashing Nanyang but i'm not, i am just trying to show how much St Margs has given me this past four years that i can only use such a comparision which actually is not enough too.

before this, i would like to thank R.T.O.L! you people played such a big role you deserve a special mention. ( i don't want to keep on mentioning you people :p)

this is my story...

When i first stepped into St Margs i felt apprehensive. St Margs was not my choice school, in fact when i came from Nanyang, i came with my misguided perceptions and stereotypical thinking. I thought St Margs was a lousy school, the reputation wasn't very good. But all this melted away when orientation started. i was extremely lucky to have rachel with me because i knew her previously from ballet and she being of a more sociable nature introduced me to more friends. during orientation, i felt unity and happiness for the first time in 6 months. my psle results drained me as they were far from my expectations, moreover people all around me performed better. but what made it even worse was the regret and remorse that haunted me throughout the holidays because i knew i did not even bother to study/ revise. i failed to put in my effort and this was my desserts. and my ex best friend in primary school also 'betrayed' me on some matters..

back to the orientation, my class, 1e5 '02 was incredibly united! i must say our class must have been the most diverse in the whole level, not to mention the most intelligent! :) counting the number of awards we bagged the following year, whether cca-wise or academic-wise. i idolised the prefects for a short period of time too! they seemed so self assured, clever and likable. i wasn't much a confident person then. then i met louisa, wanda, alicia, cassie, liz, jia, mich (actually i knew her way before that..) etc. and this major friendships carried out through my secondary years. then i wasn't cool(neither am i now :P) but the'cool' people/ the people who weren't exactly of same interests nor personality as me (read all the before names!) became friends, close ones too. but i was still a bit of a shy person with low self-esteem so i became somewhat of a 'follower' or at least it seemed like it :)

this was also the year i met mrs tay and i must thank her for helping me along the way, she was ultimately the one who gave me the right opportunities to excel and encouraging to boost my confidence. :) can't really express my gratitude...

sec 2 year was just as eventful. i was monitress, had a number of headlong arguments with the prefects (specifically loui :P) about the governing of the class. got through a little rough period when the 'shanghai' girls came back from the entrepreneurship trip which caused us to be named the 'shanghai' clique and ruffled and unsettled a number of classmates. managed to tease and have a wonderful time with 2e2-ers. built a strong friendship with melo (which means alot to me). organised the teacher's day event ( can i say hectic again? :P). applied for nj and got rejected. had to say bye to wanda who got accepted. nominated as prefect and accepted. only one thing to say: thank god i didn't get in nj during that time! i would have missed smss like crazy!!!

sec 3 year was crazy. i was uber stressed. a bit depressed too. intensified when mrs lee left, because i never thought such a thing would happen.not adding i got separated from all my friends because we were all so diverse we just had to take different subject combinations. i got into a whole lot of committees: choir, gage brown, northwest cdc council, smpb, dots inc. this resulted in me quitting ballet :( because i had to make some sacrifices. i contributed in all except for gage brown which i will not take any credit for, cos all i did was to yell really loudly. yeah so in a nutshell, i was one tuckered all, zonkified person! i'm glad i made through that period of time... and even managed to study wholeheartedly :) and of cos what can i say but i love choir com '04/05!!! in sec 3 my passion for singing was renewed :) nothing adds more colour to my life than singing besides the fact of standing over 4 hours and feeling down because all the 'scoldings' and lack of motivation there was. a big thank you to ms ho too! for reviving the choir spirit. i think she was somewhat of a saviour? of course, we helped too!


sec 4: in tuned with my class, the wonderful 4e3!!!!! okay, so i hear all this things about us being nerds! haha, we ARE INTELLECTUALLY INCLINED! and we ALSO HAVE A LIFE! 4e3 rocks my socks! between sec 3 and 4 i managed to get closer to my class and hung out with the green club (wink wink prefects!), had a hilarious time with blur ji hyun and 'stern' rachel and the rest of the kooky and 'toot'y gang! :) the teachers rock my socks too! at first i was frightened of mr a, but he's a great teacher plus such a funny/sarcastic person. mdm yeo and her wonder woman efficiency and all her sarcasm too! and ms lee and her aunties! and many many more. now i am deciding whether i should give them (the class) a BIG present . an all for one offer! one booking for all the eating they have done in the year! :) i'll write my dedications to them one by one after the O's...

to sum these all up, i had a fun, enlightening, utterly new, great, marvellous, fantastic time at St Margs. (minusing the scoldings :P)

i have grown as a person and jia is witness to that. :)

i think i'll cry on thursday.

i hope not, but i think i'll.

i don't cry, you know?

is that a measure of st margs' magic?

:')

thinking of....

oh yay! i'm blogging at 10.15pm on a tuesday night. a school night!

hmms. i'll try to refrain from talking about school.. let's talk about today's newspaper...

i suddenly had the urge to read the review section, you know the pages full of analyses about the world today and various sectors of society. today, it was something about the decay within newpapers. as in in 2040, newspapers will no longer be useful and really beneficial to knowledge-seekers, because of the influx of adverts and the greed of the press :P but they need the money too. so i guess it's a man eat man world.

i find that quite saddening.

no

really saddening.

there goes another source of information....

oh yeah! i learnt the meaning and origins of the most famous equation in our time.

E=mc^2

haha. this is so cool. i happened to read a whole chunk of an article about einstein and his equation. physics is interesting but biology is even more! hehe.

thinking of....

the bali bombing...

i have nothing to say. after all what i say is useless. nothing can change. this just goes to show the state the world is now. but i have the nagging suspicion that this will not end. i think it's a vicious cycle that is going to perpetuate in the generations ahead. why?

because it seems that human nature can not strive without conflict and there will always be others creating trouble, maybe that's their version of acheiving peace and harmony.

i read bits and pieces of Vermillion Gate, a memoir by a woman who has lived through the Cultural Revolution and witness her family being wrecked. what is even more 'interesting' about this book is that it gives me a better account of China and it's upheavals during the 20th century. Partly dut to the fact that this author's parents were high ranking Communists and she gave a detailed and concise account on their lives too. therefore this memoir lacks the subjectivity present in other works by defectors or nationalist chinese. it is really an insight to the Communist party, their tenacity and lofty, noble goals during those times.

guess what during the course of reading, i realised something. i would have probably joined the communists if i was in china during those times... even if i knew the consequences. at that point of time, i think that would be the only choice for you to take if you really valued the reunification and strengthening of your nation.

my dad quoted to me,

" if you are below 30 and you don't even harbour the slightest bit of communsit ideals. you are not a hot blooded, patriotic young person." ( in other words, you are weird, egocentric and overly self centred.)

" if you are above 30 and still have communist ideals, you are immature." (in other words, you are childish and impractical.)

well, if you know what i said in reply. i launched into a tirade, rebuking my father for his second quote. because in my opinion, people over 30 don't have anymore communist ideals due to the exposure to the harsh reality of survival thus it's not longer for the greater good but for their self gain.

haha. :)

thinking of....

Lonely Love

Don't leave me waiting
By November's fireplace.
Trying to feel something,
Something so intangible
I can hardly believe it exists.

To forget seems to be
A blessing.
To remember,
An eternal curse.
An indelible mark everlasting on my heart.

Love's just
A gossamer crystalline product.