thinking of....

the last day of school which was yesterday..

just read jia's entry and i thought i'll share my feelings too.

truthfully, i didn't feel good at all. despite all the laughing and smiling and posing for pictures. i think i was kind of bordering ecstatic hysterics. some of my classmates remarked and even ms ho said that i wasn't myself.

it started all the way at 3.45am on my comfy matress. i suddenly woke up and stared at the ceiling, trying to recall my first day, my first moments in st margs. amazingly, they came back in a flash. i could remember my apprehensive self stepping into the canteen, overwhelmed by the noise. later, smiling tentatively in relief when i saw people i recognised...

during english (which was like 8am?), i couldn't keep still. jumpy and excited. i was singing a number of songs to meifung and rachel who were unfortunately beside me and had to put up with my hyper active self. then i calmed down for awhile but there were butterflies invading my stomach! i didn't know why, i guess it was nervousness, fear towards leaving st margs.

thankfully, after i had a bicker session with cynthia, things went back to normal.

the commendation was okay. the acapella group was great. the slideshow was nice but didn't evoke any tears or emotions. there were merely snapshots. lifeless representations of the joy we had in st margs. what was there to cry for?

throughout the day, i felt a widening crevasse at the bottom of my heart.

it was only when we did the school cheer at the very end, i was nearly moved to tears. somehow, i felt that it sealed the irrevocable end.

the cheer that once made me feel so much a part of st margs, so much proud to be from st margs.

yet then it signified closure to another passage of my life.

so i kept really quiet on the way out of chapel. it was as though there was now a black, looming chasm in my heart. it hurt. i didn't even dare talk because i didn't want to cry. i didn't and i still don't think tears will ever be able to symbolise the extent of my gratitude towards st margs. i was afraid of crying, perhaps afraid of confronting what i didn't want to confront.

i don't know whether anyone of you would understand that kind of feeling. i think i only felt it one other time--when mrs lee passed away.

people say i am blur. that's quite true, i am slow on uptake.

i am fearful. i am frightened. the reality is crashing down upon me. i don't know what the future holds for me.

the st margs' umbrella isn't there anymore.

"Today you are proud of St Margaret's and let St Margaret's be proud of you tomorrow"