thinking of....

Existence.

what do i want to be?
what am i meant to do?
who am i?

i probably reading the two most contradictory books in my house.

firstly, On being A Christian by Hans Kung
secondly, The Story of Evolution by Ron Taylor

i like the foreword of the first book, it said something like this..

"this book is written for those who..sincerely want to know what's Christianity..

it is also written for those
who do not believe but nevertheless seriously inquire;
who did believe but are not satisfied with their unbelief;
who do believe but are insecure in their faith;
who are at a loss between belief and unbelief;
who are skeptical, both about their convictions and their doubts.

It is written then for Christians and atheists, Gnostics and agnostics, pietists and positivists, lukewarm and zealous Catholics, Protestants and Orthodox. "

Quite an interesting but heavy reading. it talks about Christianity and the current changes in the world and how Christianity will survive and be impacted, whilst we are moving towards a secular society...

on the other hand, the second book talks mainly about biology and geography. the stuff we already know via education. most of the information is already incorporated in the syllabuses. i was pleasantly surpried to find that melanic moths, natural selection and all the things we were taught in biology were covered. makes me feel that i actually have been learning something useful in school.

well, to conclude none of these books helped me answer my questions, perhaps that's why i drawn to philosophy.

on some days, i become so morbid that i plainly tell anyone who meets me, "we are born to live to die." thankfully those days aren't too often. likewise, to me death isn't about giving in, it's about accepting. perhaps that's why i admire those people who are willingly to make a difference in others' lives. with the knowledge that you are going to die someday and become a fossil fuel, what's the point? (that's from an agnostic's point of view)

i don't see our society progressing. it's becoming more chaotic as the years go by.and here am i criticising yet not doing anything. is it because i have submitted to the fate that nothing can possibly save us from this decay? i sincerely don't know. but i hope not. education is meant to lead us to the eventual road of advancement, world peace, whatever way you want to put it. but with the years of education, will it harden your heart and make you into a self centred person who forgets the original goal.

if i study law, i do not want to be the overzealous student who goes in the lecture theatre on her first day with the hope that she can change the world, make a slight difference to people's lives with her contribution but end up graduating and joining a law firm which defends criminals as long as the price is right.

or study politics and thinking that with my contribution there could be better leadership, more policies implemented to care for the welfare of others, more diplomacy among nations but end up joining the opposition which will resort to unscruplous means to defame the ruling party. where is the integrity?
(been hillary clinton's autobigraphy and that's where the politics come into the picture)

Mystic forces at work or not?
Born with an aim or not?
Survival of the fittest?

with no conclusion from my references, i have drawn up my own...

what do i want to be?
i want to be me, with no pretenses or false facades, to remain true to my beliefs and not lose sight of my goal in view of pressing circumstances.

what am i meant to do?
i am meant to do whatever i want to do and am determined to do. i'm not suppose to wait for fate's breeze to gently push me along the path, i'm suppose to stake my own path.

who am i?
i am human thus i have my limitations. i'll do what i deem fit and all in the name of the greater good.

i am just a tiny organism in the face of the universe/universes.
i wouldn't say i'm special but life is special and with life we are meant to do something, even if we don't understand it.
so at the very least we can say we lived our lives.